Post 4 of the 7-day blog series
Post 4: Discipling the Heart, Not Just the Behavior
Blog Series: Faith in the Everyday – Growing a Christ-Centered Home
Have you ever heard the phrase, “Parenting is sanctifying work”? Anyone that is a parent knows that having children will really reveal the sin in our hearts.
Friend, can I be honest? Discipling the hearts of my children instead of just correcting their behavior is one of the most difficult things for me as a parent. It is something that I need to pray about daily, for strength. And also for forgiveness when I fail. It reveals sin in my heart that I never knew was there.
My flesh wants control and wants my children to be good, well behaved humans who obey perfectly. But we all sin. Even our children. So perfect obedience isn’t possible for my children or yours. And do you know what often happens when my children don’t obey or do something mean to their sibling, even after I have told them 400 times? I sin back. I raise my voice, I get angry, and I don’t respond in love.
Romans 5:12 tells us that sin came into the world through one man, Adam, and spread to all mankind. The Bible tells us that sin leads to death. But God, being rich in mercy, sent His Son, Jesus Christ to die for our sin. Romans 5:18 says, “Consequently, just as one trespass resulted in condemnation for all people, so also one righteous act resulted in justification and life for all people.”
Through Jesus, not only are we saved from hell and get to spend eternity with God, but we have His Spirit living in us now, the Holy Spirit. I have the power in me to put to death the deeds of the body. I can choose kindness when I respond to my children. And when I fail, I can model repentance and ask for forgiveness from my children and from God.
So if you read this post today and feel like you’re falling short… know that we all are. But we don’t have to stay there. We are called to put off the old self, and put on the new self, created after the likeness of God.
Turn to God and share your heart with Him on this. Declare that you want to be a parent who parents in love and disciples the hearts of your children. Ask Him to help you in your weakness, and to forgive you when you fail. He sees you, friend, and He loves you!
As parents, it’s natural to correct behavior — spilled milk, loud voices, forgotten chores, sibling conflict — these things happen daily. But if our parenting focuses only on managing behavior, we may miss the deeper work God has called us to: shaping the heart.
We are not simply raising children who follow rules.
We are nurturing children who love God — who know how to return to Him, trust Him, and walk with Him.
And that begins in the heart.
Behavior Is What We See — the Heart Is Where It Begins
When a child disobeys, argues, or lashes out, it’s easy to focus on the outward problem.
But beneath the behavior, there is:
A feeling
A need
A misunderstanding
Or a moment of immaturity
Behavior is a signal, not the whole story.
Our goal is not simply to stop the behavior — but to understand it. This isn’t always easy or convenient, but it’s necessary if we want lasting results.
Ask:
What is my child feeling right now?
What do they need from me?
What is happening in their heart?
This approach turns correction into connection, and connection opens the heart to growth.
Connection Before Correction
When a child feels understood, they are far more willing to listen and learn.
This can look like:
Stopping what you’re doing and pulling them aside 1:1
Getting down to their eye level
Speaking gently and slowly
Naming their feelings
Offering a hug or hand on the shoulder
Instead of:
“Stop yelling.”
Try:
“You seem really frustrated. I’m here. Let’s breathe together until you’re ready to talk about it calmly.”
Instead of:
“Say you’re sorry.”
Try:
“Can you tell me what happened in your heart during that moment?”
We’re not excusing the behavior — we’re guiding the heart.
Teach the “Why,” Not Just the “What”
Children need to know why we obey God — not just what He wants us to do.
We don’t obey because:
We want to be “good enough”
We want to avoid punishment
We’re trying to earn God’s love
We obey because:
God loves us first.
His ways lead to life, peace, and joy.
Our obedience is a response to relationship, not a requirement for acceptance.
You can say:
“We choose kindness because Jesus is kind to us.”
“We tell the truth because God is trustworthy and we want to be like Him.”
“We forgive because we have been forgiven.”
When children understand that obedience flows from love, not fear, their hearts soften.
Model Repentance and Grace
One of the most powerful tools in discipleship is your own humility.
When you:
Admit when you’re wrong
Apologize sincerely
Ask for forgiveness
Start again with grace
Your child learns how to do the same.
They learn that:
Mistakes are not the end of relationship
Failure does not disqualify them from love
Grace is available every time
This is the gospel — lived in your living room.
Ask Heart-Revealing Questions
After emotions settle, gently reflect together:
What were you feeling when that happened?
What were you wanting in that moment?
How do you think Jesus feels about you right now? (Parent Hint: His love for your child hasn’t changed!)
What could we try next time?
Would you like to pray together about it?
These questions don’t shame — they guide.
They help children:
Name their emotions
Recognize their needs
Invite God into their inner world
This is discipleship.
A Final Encouragement
Shaping the heart is patient work. It takes time. It takes repetition. It takes grace — for your child and for yourself. None of us are perfect at this. I repent of this more often than I would like to admit, but the truth is, we can’t do it in our own strength. We need God’s mercy and grace daily, and we need the Holy Spirit to guide our thoughts and our words. Ask God to help you in this.
Some days will feel messy.
Some moments may feel like a setback.
But the Holy Spirit is present, gentle, and faithful in the slow, steady shaping of your family.
Your small, grace-filled responses matter.
Your willingness to pause and connect matters.
Your love is planting seeds that will grow for a lifetime.
And when we fail, we should go to our kids and apologize. Even grown-ups make mistakes. But God forgives us and loves us and His mercies are new every morning.
You are not just correcting behavior.
You are shaping a heart that will learn to walk with Jesus. 💛
Father, shape our hearts as we shape theirs.
Give us wisdom to see beneath actions to the deeper needs.
Slow our responses.
Soften our tone.
Help us guide with patience, empathy, and truth.
Let discipline in our home be rooted in love,
not control — correction, not shame —
formation, not fear.
Amen.
Some of my favorite resources on this topic:
Ginger Hubbard- Wise Words for Moms Chart
Next: Creating Family Rhythms That Nurture Faith
